Thursday, July 30, 2015

Sculptures Made of Snow

Turn on the news and it becomes obvious that we live in a broken world. Between television and social media, one cannot ignore the many controversial issues that tear people apart. For some reason, this summer has been particularly terrible. From innocent black people dying to hatred against same sex marriage to the many other issues that plague our nation, one can become totally overwhelmed with the injustice and lack of understanding in this world. Truly, it is difficult to fathom in this day and age. I cannot help but be reminded every day of how short life is - whether you live to be a teenager or into your 90s. We're all here just for a blink of an eye. I'm sure everyone reading this understands and feels the weight our nation has been under recently. Individuals armed with guns are taking innocent lives in small town movie theaters and churches. Where are we safe? What can we do about it? How can we make it stop? Where can we seek refuge from this destruction, anger, and derangement?

And those are the big issues that affect the world. What about our own little, individual problems and woes? This summer, I have swayed back and forth between confidence in myself as an artist/ my future and feeling like a complete and utter failure. I'm trying so desperately to get back in the saddle, but I have found it terribly difficult. I say I'm going to take care of myself, go to a doctor, get a therapist, clean the house, write a screenplay, read a book, etc... and some things get done, but some just don't. I'm sure you can all relate to this dilemma because we never feel as though we have enough time. And with school fast approaching, I am trying desperately to get myself in gear and hoping the task will motivate me to focus and find that happiness once again.

But cancer is ever so prevalent in our lives once again as we approach scan results Monday morning. There we find out if the chemo is working (for the time being) or if we need a change in treatment. It's amazing how cancer can fade into the background when things are going well. Of course, Jon isn't 100%. He still needs to gain weight and I know, physically, he is not where he was at the beginning of the year, but I think he's improving. But it's hard for me to say or declare it one way or another.

And of course cancer is the reason I cannot (for good) get my life "back on track." Whenever I do, I'm just afraid it will sneak back up on us and attack. Even with this last scare in May, things were going so good. I was on fire with a feature screenplay I'd written and my head was filling up with thoughts on making a feature film and being successful. Then, BAM. It once again all came tumbling down. But, I'm starting to think that's just life. A (brilliant) professor and mentor once told me that plays were just "sculptures made of snow." Here one night and gone another, melting into our memories. Maybe that's all life is, as well?

Don't let my somber tone fool you completely. We have had a very happy summer, mostly just retreating from the world a bit. Vacation was amazing and (if all goes well with scans) we are planning a trip to Jon's hometown and possibly a trip to see our dearest friends in LA before school starts. And Jon and I are pretty much happy and content whenever we are together. We once had a party for two in an ER room watching The Breakfast Club and eating vending machine food... so we know how to overcome.

Most importantly, thank you all so much for contributing to our GoFundMe campaign. I can never tell you how much this act of love and kindness means to us. Basically, just imagine you at your loneliest and saddest moment and then imagine your best friend or favorite person on earth walking in the room and giving you a thousand hugs and kisses. That's kinda what it feels like but even better. You all reminded us that we are not alone and that we are loved. And that our happiness and health matter. I want to sit down and write thank you letters, but goodness knows I still need to do that for my wedding, and when I think of all the people I need to thank, the list becomes overwhelming. And honestly, I know spending precious time with Jon is what you all would rather me be doing, so even for that... I thank you. If you see me, let me give you a big hug and whisper thank you in your ear. It means so much to us. We have a good amount saved (for the clinical trial possibility that awaits) and the funds have gone toward paying for important medications that insurance wouldn't cover. At 28 and 29 years old, there is absolutely no way we could have come so far without this help. Thank you!

And finally, please join me in taking a moment to think of all those in need of love and prayers right this very moment. There are so many. Whether they are battling cancer like us or dealing with some other tragedy, please take a moment to send out love and compassion. God knows our world needs it. With abundance. And, as always, hug the ones you love extra tight tonight.

With (so very much) Love,

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